Richer still

***I started this post a few weeks ago, and I can say that it still feels fresh and raw. I am eager to "be better" but in many ways I am not. For those who have lost unborn children, I can only assume the grief rolls in and out like waves, at least that is how I feel. And though I was "only" 8 weeks pregnant, that baby was as much a part of our future family as our dear toddler is. I still ache and I pray for strength to move forward, positively, trying with every fibre within me to avoid sinking into pity parties. ***

September 24, 2013
While today was not my favourite day, nor will it be looked on with fondness at any point, it was a day that reminded me I am richer still. We all know that in comparison with the world, we are incredibly wealthy due to safe shelter, available food, clean water, electricity, personal transportation and health care. Much of the world lives without these necessities that are so easily taken for granted.

I am not a shining example of always appreciating what I have, but I do have moments of clarity every now and then. Today I had a minor procedure done at the hospital, a dilation and curettage (D&C), to complete the removal of the uterus lining after a miscarriage. This procedure ends a 5 week long, rawly emotional period for me. While I am hurting and grieving, I am also keenly aware that I am lucky.

How many women in other countries receive no medical attention after a miscarriage? How many suffer for months, not knowing what will happen? I have access to doctors, ultrasounds and specialists. I am richer still.

For those that I have shared this journey with, many have checked in and asked "Are you okay?", my standard answer is, "No, but I will be". While I may not feel it, I know that I will be okay, someday. For me, I have lost something, someone has died for whom there will never be a funeral. I have cried, alone, because only I felt that life for 8 weeks before it made a horrifying exit. No one else will know that feeling, that pain, that loss. And yet, as I talk with other women many share similar experiences.

Miscarriage is a silent grief.

And once it happens all you see is pregnant women, babies and kids - everywhere. It hurts but for me it is an ache to be experiencing that too. God has a perfect plan, but waiting is hard. Really hard.