I have cried, not too often, but I have shed my fair share of tears. These past 6 months have been wonderful and terrifying at the same time, becoming a Mom was so much more than I expected it to be, both on the positive and negative side. Life change isn't easy, and when events occur I think sometimes you need to grieve the loss of your previous life. I am still holding on to my past life.
Yes I am happy to be a mom, yes I am thankful to have a job that I (mostly) like and am thankful to have a year "off" before returning to work full time.
BUT, now that my time away is half done, the reality of being a mom and working full time is starting to hit. And it hits me like a punch in the stomach. Today I went to Breakaway (a women's coffee group at North Langley Community Church) and today for the FIRST time, I left Arabella in the nursery with people I do not know. It was sooo much harder than I thought it would be.
I did okay for an hour, then went to check on her before going to my small group "class". She was in a bouncy chair, not really crying, but fussing a bit, all by herself. I wanted to go in and get her, to cuddle her, to keep her with me; but, I thought it would be good to have some time to myself and relax without her there.
Our class was "momology", talking about how to be a good mom and to shape your kids positively as they grow. When we went around and introduced ourselves, talked about our kids, I nearly cried when I said I have a 6 month old that I left in the nursery for the first time. Seriously. I was surprised and overwhelmed with those feelings, so unexpected.
Me, nearly crying, about such a simple thing. If you asked me a year ago if I would have teared up at such a thing, I would have said "No way". But here I was, upset and anxious about 2 hours away, and suddenly thinking about what it would be like in 6 months when I am away 5 days a week, nearly 10 hours a day.
Well, I did cry, on the way home in the car, because when I picked her up at the nursery she was crying. I felt guilty, I felt sad, I felt like my heart will be breaking when I go back to work in 6 months.
I know it will be fine, life will go on, and I know that we will both adjust but I dread the transition. I will be praying for serenity and the ability to be in the moment, enjoying every minute for the next 6 months.
But right now my heart hurts, and I think I need to cry these new tears to move forward.
After all, how can you leave such an angelic face?
2 comments:
First of all, you are NORMAL! Don't feel like you are alone when you cry for your little one. Logan is almost 3 years old and I cried on Sunday when I picked him up from Children's Church and was told that he cried the whole time and they didn't call me. It doesn't get easier... why, you ask... because every day that your little one grows, your heart for them grows and grows and grows. It is hard sometimes to keep all that love and it is even harder when others bruise your heart. I hope that {for both of our sakes} that our kids learn to love the playtime at church... it can be so much fun!
Oh, my dear friend. Although I haven't yet experienced these things, I can imagine how much this weighs on you! Biggest message: IT IS OKAY TO CRY! I know it's not your thing...usually you find other ways to cope and deal with your feelings...but if that's what's coming naturally for you right now, just let it be. And, if you ever need a shoulder...well, I will offer mine via skype :( LOVE YOU!
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